Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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