She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
