i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
