I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
