Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
that is very illegal...i love you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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