What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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