As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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