upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
