I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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