Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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