Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
