My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
They have beer where we have blood.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
