why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
