im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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