does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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