what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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