I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
