Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize