Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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