I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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