Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
