batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
