It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
