I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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