i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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