when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
