How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
