i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
