So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
