No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
