getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
