2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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