If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
