Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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