My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
