I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
