You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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