Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
