Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
