Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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