I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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