If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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