Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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