You're a womanizer and a bitch.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
