So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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