We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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