Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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