i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
