Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
