I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
