I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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