***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
