Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
